


check my phone, check my pulse, ain't a reason

by truthbealiar



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-06-02 14:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19443103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truthbealiar/pseuds/truthbealiar
Summary: In Sansa'sdefense, she certainly hadn't expected an accidental naked selfie to lead to anything more than a quick rebound romp. And when it turned out it wasmuchmore than that, well...she had just sort of assumed she and Theon would wed and start a family in secret without ever inviting the intrusive, boundary-phobic Starks - least of all Robb - into the picture.- or -It starts with a selfie. From Sansa Stark's bathtub.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the theonsa prompt fic for my birthday fic giveaway! the winning prompts: "I sent a selfie of myself in the tub to the wrong number and you responded back with another selfie. Holy shit you’re really attractive.” + "relationship reveal"
> 
> fic title is from the chainsmokers

**SANSA:** Okay be honest

**SANSA:** But also please be kind

**SANSA:** My ego is still very fragile

**SANSA:** [img attached]

In Sansa’s defense, she was more than a little tipsy. In defense of  _ that _ , it had been a long day, beginning and ending with one Harry Hardyng, who had proven himself to be a complete and utter prick for the last time - since Sansa had flung the ostentatious engagement ring she hadn’t even  _ liked  _ directly at his face. Gods Sansa should have known then and there that it was a terrible decision. Sansa rarely wore jewelry, but when she did it was always silver and delicate, such as the dragonfly pendant she cherished, or the dainty rose earrings Margaery had gifted her for her birthday the year before.

When her brother had  _ finally _ popped the question, Sansa had appropriately oohed and ahhed over the engagement ring - as  _ if _ she hadn’t spent hours upon hours helping Robb select it - noting the intricacy of the design and the beauty of the classic princess cut in a way that had been  _ tastefully _ hinting, without becoming overbearing. 

She should have known the moment she opened the velvet box to see an overly large diamond plopped in the middle of a thick, gold band - much like the box in question had been plopped on her palm - that Harry Hardyng was not the man for her.

It wasn’t even about the ring or the proposal, not really. Sansa liked beautiful things, it was true, but she appreciated a beautiful soul even more. She truly had her preteen Jesse McCartney phase to thank for her ability to articulate it. 

Harry hadn’t known her. Not really, at any rate. Sansa was a dreamer, everyone said it. She was a romantic at heart, and always had been. She liked to say she had evolved from her days of knights and maidens to a romantic of the Jane Austen persuasion, but love was something she cherished dearly. She would have happily accepted a  _ ring pop _ under the right circumstances. Harry’s proposal - a box shoved into her hand, a flash of a smile, “We might as well make it official, right?” - it might have endeared her if she thought it was the result of nerves, rather than an obvious lack of effort and care. 

So really, it shouldn’t have been quite as painful as it was to open her phone to a text from  _ Varys  _ of all people, with an image of Harry shoving his tongue down some other woman’s throat, hand obviously groping awkwardly at her tits, the way he always did with Sansa that made her so uncomfortable. 

If that hadn’t been bad enough, when Sansa actually went to confront Harry, he hadn’t seemed remotely apologetic. He had simply shrugged his shoulders and scratched the back of his neck, stating plainly that he was looking for someone a little, well,  _ more _ .

Sansa had been mortified and heartbroken, and after chucking her engagement ring at Harry’s eye, she had marched straight to the mall, picking up all the necessities for making herself feel better.

That was how she had wound up here, lying in the large bathtub that had sold her on this apartment in the first place, with some ridiculously overpriced bath bomb making the water lovely swirls of lavender and white, with various flowers scattered around, because Sansa had wanted to feel _beautiful_ and pampered, and _not_ as if her fiancé of two years had been caught fondling some other woman and hadn't even the decency to apologize for it. It was why she had already downed two glasses of a rather expensive wine, and held the third in her hands. 

It was why she was currently texting Jeyne, the only person who knew about the disastrous breakup, though given that it had been Varys who texted in the first place, everyone would probably know by the very next day. Sansa would have texted Margaery, but, much as she loved her best friend, she could be a touch overdramatic. And aside from the hurt and humiliation of it all, Sansa really wasn’t feeling all that dramatic about the death of her engagement - which probably said something about the relationship in the first place.

Harry had been cruel in his capriciousness though, and he was only one in a long line of men and women who had made enough disparaging comments about Sansa’s appearance to give her something of a complex. So it was not _terribly_ surprising that she was seeking comfort and validation from one of her oldest friends, a woman Sansa had known since Robb declared he would marry Jeyne Westerling, all at the tender age of eight.

In Sansa’s defense, the two and a half glasses of wine and the stray droplets of water carelessly flung onto her phone were to blame for the text message she quickly received, not from The Greatest Sister-In-Law, as Jeyne was labeled in her phone book (per Robb’s request after the  _ wildly _ entertaining debacle that was Rickon and Lyanna’s surprise Vegas wedding two days after his eighteenth birthday) but from Theon Greyjoy, since that was the very next name listed in her phone’s contact list.

**THEON:** Holy fucking shit Stark

Sansa stared at her phone for a moment, wondering if she were to drop it into the tub, if that would somehow manage to rescind the very _nude_ picture of herself she had tried to text to Jeyne, that had ended up in Theon’s inbox, through absolutely no fault of her own. It probably wouldn’t work, but it might just electrocute her, and Sansa could settle for that option as well.

**THEON:** Based on those texts I reckon you didn’t mean to send this to me?

**THEON:** So I’m going to delete the picture, don’t worry

**THEON:** But for what it’s worth?

**THEON:** Seven fucking hells Stark, you’ve got nothing to be self-conscious about, you’re a fucking vision.

Sansa bit down on her lower lip, hard, as she watched text after text pop up on her phone. In the midst of her utter humiliation - as if the entire disaster with Harry hadn’t been bad enough - she felt a strange bubble of pride welling up in her chest. Theon Greyjoy was not an unattractive man himself, and the dates he brought to various functions Robb dragged him to, were always stunningly beautiful women. 

**THEON:** Okay you’re not responding, so I’m guessing you’re insanely embarrassed.

**THEON:** And you’re also clearly in the tub, so drowning is a legitimate concern here

**THEON:** So I’ll even the stakes here, yeah?

**THEON:** [img attached]

All the air suddenly rushed out of Sansa’s lungs, and her cheeks - which had _just_ managed to cool down after the humiliation of sending a picture of herself in the tub to _Theon_ \- suddenly grew bright pink again. Theon had sent a picture of himself in return and... _oh_.

_Oh my._

The picture, unlike the terrible unsolicited dick pics Sansa had been the unfortunate recipient of, following her brief foray onto tindr, was almost artistic, classy even. Well, as classy as a nude photo of Sansa’s older brother’s best friend, sent purely out of pity, to make himself as vulnerable as Sansa had accidentally become. 

Sansa blinked and realized she had been staring at her phone - at Theon’s _naked body_ for nearly a minute, and still had yet to respond to any of his text messages. Though she still felt the keen sting of humiliation, Theon had certainly been complimentary towards her, and Sansa was feeling in a generous mood - which might have been the wine talking.

**SANSA:** Damn Greyjoy, I didn’t know you had it in you.

The response came almost immediately.

**THEON:** If I didn’t think your fiancé would deck me, I’d make a joke about what you just said.

**SANSA:** Not my fiance anymore. 

**THEON:** ...shit, I’m sorry Stark. 

**THEON:** I’m guessing that’s the reason for the wine and the soak then?

**SANSA:** Yep.

**SANSA:** Apparently he didn’t want to be tied down

**SANSA:** He wanted to explore his options

**THEON:** The fuck?

**THEON:** He was with you though

**THEON:** What other options are there?

**SANSA:** You’re inordinately sweet for someone who just sent an unsolicited dick pic

**THEON:** Technically you sent an unsolicited nude first

**THEON:** And you can barely even see my dick

**SANSA:** More’s the pity

**THEON:** Wait

**THEON:** What

**THEON:** Don’t play with me here Stark

Feeling emboldened, Sansa’s fingertips flew across the keyboard, and she hovered her finger over the button for a moment, before pressing ‘send’.

**SANSA:** What if I want you to play with me? ;) 

**THEON:** How much have you had to drink tonight?

**SANSA:** Almost three glasses of wine

**THEON:** It will take me half an hour to get from my place to yours. Think you can sober up by then?

**SANSA:** I guess you’ll just have to see, won’t you?

A buzz of electricity was running like a current underneath Sansa’s skin, and she reached for her large, fluffy white towel, suddenly grateful she had purchased new lingerie at the mall, in her moment of self-pity and indulgence. Perhaps this was a terrible idea. She really couldn’t bring herself to mind.

In Sansa’s _defense_ , it might have all started because she was a little bit tipsy, but the fact that Theon Greyjoy just might be the most attractive man she had ever seen certainly didn’t help matters. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bran is the first to find out, because of course he is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters are going to alternate between texting only and texting + action!

**THEON:** So last night was…

**SANSA:** Yeah

**THEON:** Oh come on Stark, I’m obviously fishing for compliments here

**SANSA:** When are you not?

**SANSA:** Aren’t you literally a fisherman?

**THEON:** I spend ONE SUMMER on my dad’s boat, and suddenly I’m branded for life

**SANSA:** And what is it you do again?

**THEON:** Marketing, thanks very much, I worked damn hard for that MBA

**SANSA:** Proud of you love.

**SANSA:** What company do you do marketing for?

**THEON:** My sister’s.

**SANSA:** Which sells…?

**THEON:** Oh fuck you Stark

**SANSA:** Yeah I’d like you to

**THEON:** ....Again?

**SANSA:** Was that too much? 

**THEON:** I’m already turning my car around.

**SANSA:** Theon! Don’t text and drive!

* * *

**B** **RAN:** So in the interest of being on the same page here

**BRAN:** Since Rickon is STILL mad at me about the whole ‘revealing he got secretly hitched in Vegas’ thing

**BRAN:** And still refuses to remove the book I was reading from the top of the bookshelf

**BRAN:** Is this thing with Theon something everyone should know about?

**SANSA:** That’s terribly cruel of Rickon! Meera and Jojen haven’t given it back?

**SANSA:** And haha what thing with Theon?

**BRAN:** No, they think it’s funny. Meera said I deserve it.

**BRAN:** Apparently I need to act more human.

**BRAN:** First of all, you always type ‘haha’ when you’re lying or nervous.

**SANSA:** You act plenty human! Why doesn’t Meera think you’re acting human?

**SANSA:** And no I don’t! I type ‘haha’ when something is funny!

**SANSA:** Like me and Theon!

**BRAN:** I may or may not have disabled our flat’s voice assistant thing, and spent the day pretending it was learning and gaining sentience and preparing to take over our bodies.

**SANSA:** Okay, I’ll get you your book the next time I come over.

**SANSA:** But Meera’s definitely right!

**BRAN:** Also, Theon accidentally called me last night

**BRAN:** I mean, kudos to you for actually getting some

**BRAN:** And he seems like he actually cared about you, so that’s good

**BRAN:** But I also learned way more about what my sister is into than I really cared for

* * *

**THEON:** Okay I’ve parked my car, ring me up in a mo’?

**SANSA:**!!!!!!!!!

**THEON:** Wow, that’s a lot of excitement

**SANSA:** You called Bran!

**THEON:** What? When? 

**THEON:** Fuck, is this about the stupid spoilers thing?

**SANSA:** What spoilers thing?

**THEON:** Nevermind, forget it

**SANSA:** Setting that aside for later

**SANSA:** This is NOT about the stupid spoilers thing!

**SANSA:** This is about the fact that you called Bran! Last night!

**THEON:** No I didn’t

**SANSA:** Well you must have done it by accident!

**SANSA:** Because he just texted me with way too much information about how my night went!

**THEON:** Pretty well?

**SANSA:** I don’t have time for your compliment fishing Theon!

**SANSA:** But yes, it was pretty fucking great

* * *

**THEON:** Just don’t tell Robb

**BRAN:** That will be fifty dollars

**THEON:** Fucking hell Bran, you’re charging me for this?

**BRAN:** You already owe me for our Endgame bet

**THEON:** You knew every single fucking plot detail, you totally read reddit spoilers

**BRAN:** Theon, I AM reddit spoilers

**THEON:** That doesn’t even make any fucking sense

**BRAN:** Neither do you and my sister

**THEON:** Low fucking blow man

**BRAN:** I’ve upped my price to seventy-five

**THEON:** This is extortion 

**BRAN:** You defiled my sister. Frankly you should be grateful I have a price. Robb sure doesn’t.

**THEON:** I didn’t DEFILE your sister.

**BRAN:** Would you like me to play back the voicemail?

**THEON:** Okay, okay. Send me your Venmo.

**BRAN:** I only accept checks.

**THEON:** Fucking hells Bran

* * *

**JEYNE:** Hey sweetie, how are you doing this morning?

**JEYNE:** I never heard back from you last night! Chicken out of sending a selfie? 

**SANSA:** Um, not quite

**JEYNE:** ???

**SANSA:** So I took the selfie

**SANSA:** And I sent it

**JEYNE:** Sansa...Please tell me you didn’t send it to Harry!

**SANSA:** Gods no!

**JEYNE:** Oh no...did you send it to Margaery? You’ll never hear the end of it Sans. She’ll drag you back into modeling by the hair.

**SANSA:** I’m definitely not getting roped into that again.

**SANSA:** And I didn’t send it to Marge.

**JEYNE:** _typing…_

**SANSA:** Don’t tell Robb

**SANSA:** I sent it to Theon

**J** **EYNE:** _typing…_

**JEYNE:** _typing…_

**JEYNE:** _typing…_

**JEYNE:** OH MY GODS

**SANSA:** I KNOW

**JEYNE:** YOU DID WHAT?

**SANSA:** It was an accident, okay! It’s all because of Rickon and Lyanna, blame them!

**JEYNE:** I mean, I usually do

**JEYNE:** I just don’t see how they’re really to blame here?

**SANSA:** It’s their fault and your husband’s that your name is even remotely close to Theon’s in my phone!

**JEYNE:** Well you and Theon certainly share shirking the blame, I’ll say that

**SANSA:** Only because I accept an ungodly share of blame when it’s usually not my fault!

**JEYNE:** That’s true, you’ve never done anything wrong in your life and I love you for it

**SANSA:** Robb got you on another Parks & Rec binge?

**JEYNE:** Yes, and I’m becoming disturbingly aware that I’ve married a Jean-Ralphio

**SANSA:** Oh sweetie…

**JEYNE:** What’s worse is that I’m totally okay with it

**SANSA:** Yikes

**JEYNE:** What can I say, your family is unfairly hot.

**JEYNE:** But back to you sending your nude to THEON

**JEYNE:** What did he do? Do I need to send Robb to beat him up?

**JEYNE:** Do I need to send ARYA to beat him up?

**SANSA:** NO!

**SANSA:** Definitely not

**JEYNE:** Ohoho!

**SANSA:** Alright Slughorn

**JEYNE:** Never again

**SANSA:** That’s fair

**SANSA:** It’s nothing though! Really! Nothing!

**JEYNE:** Your sentences are getting choppy and you’re using way too many exclamation points

**SANSA:** Am I really that terrible of a liar?

**JEYNE:** Only through text. When you’re in person you can hide behind half truths. When you’re actually writing things down, you feel obligated to respond (your mother) and honor-bound to be truthful (your father)

**SANSA:** Tell me, when you’re psychoanalyzing your husband, do you go into his mommy issues?

**JEYNE:** That’s a can of worms even I won’t touch

**SANSA:** Good call

**JEYNE:** Okay but you’re diverting, and I haven’t forgotten what we were actually talking about!

**JEYNE:** What happened with Theon?

**SANSA:** Well I was mortified of course

**JEYNE:** Honestly it probably made Theon’s night, he’s been obsessed with your rack for ages

**SANSA:** Really?

**JEYNE:** Remember Halloween? When you went as Black Widow?

**SANSA:** I was wearing a push-up bra!

**JEYNE:** Oh please, you barely need one. Theon definitely wished he had dressed up as Hawkeye.

**SANSA:** Hawkeye has a wife

**JEYNE:** Everyone knows that Whedon’s shit is barely canon

**SANSA:** We’re not getting into this right now

**JEYNE:** Right, because we’re still talking about Theon

**JEYNE:** Who is totally into you

**JEYNE:** Who received a nude photo of you last night

**SANSA:** Well ANYWAYS he deleted it

**JEYNE:** Damn, what a gentleman

**JEYNE:** Although, how do you know for sure?

**SANSA:** He showed me

**JEYNE:** He SHOWED you hmmm? How did he show you Sansa? I thought you were having a night in?

**SANSA:** Well I did stay in

**J** **EYNE:** Oh my god

**SANSA:** What

**JEYNE:** Oh my GOD

**SANSA:**???

**JEYNE:** YOU AND THEON TOTALLY HOOKED UP

**SANSA:** DON’T TELL ROBB

* * *

**bran the birdman** named the chat **the technologically inept twosome**

**BRAN:** Look, is this supposed to be a secret or not?

**SANSA:** The ‘i’ is distracting me, you couldn’t have gone full alliteration?

**THEON:** Weren’t you just trying to convince me that technology is useless, hence you accepting checks as the only form of payment?

**BRAN:** For the love of the gods, can you two please stay on task?

**BRAN:** Will others know about your one-night stand, or should it stay a dirty little secret?

**SANSA:** It’s not a dirty little secret! But yes, your discretion would be appreciated Bran.

**THEON:** Who said it’s a one-night stand?

**BRAN:** I’ve upped my price to one hundred dollars.

**THEON:** Fuck you Bran

**BRAN:** I think we’d all prefer if you would fuck Sansa instead

* * *

**MARGAERY:** Sansa dear, I heard about Harry. He’s an absolute twat, and I’m sending you a care package including some of my very favorite ~friends~ that will do a far better job than Harry ever could. 

**MARGAERY:** I know you’ve been busy designing cities and all that, BUT if you want to really show Harry what he’s missing, Renly’s doing this absolutely stunning shoot that I think you’d be PERFECT for

**MARGAERY:** Very artistic of course, but VERY sexy

**MARGAERY:** Give me a call and let me know what you think!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments/kudos give me all the warm fuzzies <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the children of one of the most honorable men in Westeros, Sansa's brothers happened to be _ridiculously_ corrupt.

The next time, it’s just _insulting_. 

Bran was something to be expected, because he somehow managed to know everything all at once, and everyone had just learned to accept his predisposition for near supernatural knowledge. It was equally accepted that Rickon was an absolute idiot.

He also qualified for MENSA, but that was neither here nor there, because he seemed to follow the general male pattern idiocy trend that seemed to stalk the Stark family, such as when Robb tried microwaving ramen without noodles, or when Ned thought he could assemble IKEA furniture without any directions or assistance.

(Catelyn liked to sniff that Bran had inherited from the Tully side of the family, but then Robb had flaunted his own streak, and dared to point out Edmure. He had nearly been disinvited from Sunday brunch for that slip up.)

The fact was, Rickon, by nature of being the baby, and also being the epitome of a viral Vine brought to life, really had _no_ business whatsoever being the second person to find out about Sansa and Theon. 

Sansa would accept an allotted sixty percent of the blame, with the other forty percent being doled out to Rickon himself. It was technically, Sansa’s fault that the door hadn’t been locked. However, it was also very much Rickon’s fault for simply _barging_ in, lock or no lock. It was also his fault, because really everything just came back to the Vegas wedding, didn’t it? No matter how much he protested, no one in the family planned to let it go anytime soon.

The day started simply enough. It had been two weeks since the Bathtub Incident, as Sansa had now dubbed it, and Theon had come over to Sansa’s nearly every night since. She had the perk of living alone, while Theon shared a flat with the two men _neither_ wanted discovering their newfound hobby. Gendry would be the coolest about it, but he was a package deal with Arya, and that was certainly out of the question. Jon would also come around to accept it - once he got past the _Theon_ of it all, but he had the worst possible poker face, which meant…

Robb.

It wasn’t that Sansa wanted to hide Theon, really. And she was fairly certain that Theon didn’t want to hide her either. And under different circumstances, Sansa would have had no problem admitting that she was in a strictly friends-with-benefits relationship with Theon Greyjoy. The circumstances being her relation to the family in the North whose name was Stark. An absolutely ridiculous lot of sitcom proportions, who would be ceaselessly dramatic and irritating about the whole thing.

Sansa could be quite dramatic herself, but typically she kept her theatrics to her inner monologues. Her siblings had failed to take note.

So a secret it was, for now. It was why Sansa had woken up early to head over to Theon’s, on the one day both of them had off - a day that Jon and Gendry conveniently worked. It was why Sansa had tossed on a faded t-shirt that was frankly a little too small for her - not that Theon would _mind_ \- and a skirt that she knew would drive him mad. Not that she had planned to spend much time in either article of clothing once she actually saw Theon.

It was why the moment Theon opened the door with eager, hungry eyes, Sansa was all but devouring his lips with her own, wrapping her legs around his waist as he hoisted her up. It was why Theon deposited Sansa at the very first chance, atop the running dryer, tucked into the odd little alcove next to the front door.

It was _why_ it was so precisely disastrous that Rickon Mormont-Stark chose that exact moment to walk into Theon’s apartment as if he owned it.

If Sansa had a little more presence of mind, and a little more shame, her cry would have been one of embarrassment at the fact that her baby brother had caught her and Theon going at it - Sansa’s legs still locked around Theon’s waist as he was crowded as close to the dryer as he could physically get, Sansa’s shirt already discarded and Theon’s fingers working at the delicate clasp of her lacy bra with one hand, working at her clit with the other, Sansa’s own hands rucking up Theon’s annoyingly attractive cream colored henley. It would have been a cry of mortification, and not despair, for Sansa had been _this_ close to a climax, and at the appearance of Rickon, Theon had jumped back as if burned, conveniently managing to undo her bra at that _precise_ moment, accidentally bringing it with him as he leapt against the wall. 

“ _Rickon!_ ” 

If Sansa sounded like she was on the verge of tears, it was because she _was_. Theon was now standing much too far away from her, and their _moment_ had been very rudely interrupted. Secondary to that, her eighteen-year-old brother was now standing in the threshold of the apartment, his mouth ajar, eyes wide, with a cloth sack tossed over his shoulder in the world's worst approximation of Santa Clause. Sansa felt like screaming, but instead grasped for her shirt with trembling fingers, pulling it up to preserve some semblance of modesty. 

"Oh my fucking god."

"What are you _doing_ here?" Sansa demanded, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment and a whole host of other things she didn't want to name in the presence of her baby brother. Across from her, Theon's gaze was planted firmly on the ground, though she was certain if he lifted his stormy eyes to meet hers, she would see cartoonish dust clouds behind them, indicating his desire to flee as quickly as possible. 

"Oh my god, you and _Theon_? What the fuck Sansa, you're cheating on Harry?" 

Sansa's jaw tensed, but surprisingly enough Theon's gaze snapped up at Rickon's words. "Actually, Harry was cheating on her." His voice was quite level, and even a touch cold. Sansa couldn't help but be a bit impressed, considering Theon's current state of undress, and the fact that his best friend's younger brother had caught him going at it with said best friend's younger sister. 

"So you were just...repaying the favor?" 

The clear skepticism in Rickon's voice made Sansa grind her teeth together. "I dumped his ass as soon as I found out," Sansa snapped irritably, "However, you still haven't answered _my_ question. What the fuck are you doing in Theon's apartment?" 

Rickon finally looked a bit shamefaced, and the hand not clutching the odd, lumpy bag reached up to scratch at the back of his neck. 

"Well, Jon gave me that spare key you know, for emergencies." Sansa and Theon both nodded. All of the Starks had a key to the apartment, though it was almost completely unnecessary, since the door was either unlocked half the time anyway. Such as today. "And Mom and Dad have been on my case about me not being responsible, and that's why they keep pushing me and Lyanna to file for divorce." Sansa just barely managed to restrain the urge to roll her eyes. The list of reasons Rickon and Lyanna ought to officially divorce was extensive, though their blatant immaturity certainly did play a large part in it. However, if Sansa interrupted now, she feared she would never get to the end of Rickon's roundabout explanation. 

"I wanted to prove that I'm responsible, and can take care of myself, so I started doing my own laundry." This time, Sansa didn't stop herself, and she was pleased to see Theon rolling his eyes as well. Theon had been doing his own laundry since he had been tall enough to reach the top of the washer - even younger than Sansa when she began. It made her heart twinge suddenly, when she remembered precisely _why_ Theon had needed to be so self-sufficient, but that was food for thought at a later time. 

"That still doesn't explain why you're _here_ ," Theon pointed out, a touch of exasperation in his voice. Sansa bit down on a slight smirk, realizing that Theon was just as annoyed by this interruption as she was. She could almost see the faint outline of Theon's cock against his sweatpants, but she was decidedly _not_ looking at his crotch with Rickon in the room. "Your mother has like, the Tesla of washing machines."

Both Sansa and Rickon blinked at Theon in slight confusion. "Theon, it _is_ a Tesla washing machine," Sansa said slowly.

Theon just nodded. "Yeah, that's what I said."

Rickon just heaved a great sigh, as if he alone was suffering under the oppressive weight of the bourgeoisie, and dropped the sack of what had to be laundry, unceremoniously on the ground. 

"Yes, but if I did my laundry at _home_ , then Mom would be all suspicious, and start to lecture me about Lyanna all over again, and I wouldn't actually get anything done."

That was...actually a fair point, and Sansa was annoyed about it. 

"So I've been coming here for like a month and a half to just do my laundry. I don't mess with anything, and _usually_ all of you are at work." A slow smirk was starting to creep across Rickon's face, and he leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. "You can imagine how _surprised_ I am to find you _not_ at work Theon, and trying to Marvin Gaye it with my beloved, vulnerable, recently heartbroken sister." 

Sansa really did roll her eyes, and looked around for something to chuck at her brother. Unfortunately, there was nothing she could easily toss while also clutching her shirt to her chest, and flashing her brother once was more than enough. Across from her, Theon appeared tense, but his eyes were sharp and pointed.

"Alright, what is it you want Stark?"

Rickon's smirk grew. 

"A hundred bucks, and you won't tell Jon and Gendry that I come here to do my laundry." 

Sansa opened her mouth to protest. Theon had already paid Bran for his silence, and she wasn't going to let her brothers continue to extort her - to extort Theon. But before she could say a word, Theon was already nodding.

"Done." His gaze shifted back to Sansa momentarily, his eyes thoughtful, and then he turned back to Rickon, a smirk of his own curling delightfully around his lips. "If you put in your earbuds and turn up the music for the next twenty minutes, I'll give you an extra fifty."

Sansa's eyes widened, and as soon as Rickon tossed Theon a thumb's up, he was suddenly tugging her by the hand, pulling her into his room as quickly as possible. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arya is, in a word, dramatic. Sansa would say she got it from _someone_ in their family, but it implied that there was any theatrics to be leftover after Arya was done.

**GENDRY:** How do you break up with a girl?

**THEON:** Dude, idk

 **THEON:** Why are you asking me?

**GENDRY:** Well you never have a girlfriend

 **GENDRY:** But you’re always hooking up with someone

 **GENDRY:** I just figured you had a script or something

**THEON:** You’re almost tempting me to break my no emoji rule just so I can roll my eyes at you, I hope you understand.

**GENDRY:** Your no emoji rule is pretentious anyways

**THEON:** You fucking take that back

**GENDRY:** Look, can you help me out or not?

**THEON:** No

 **THEON:** For several reasons.

 **THEON:** 1\. You’re a fucking asshole.

 **THEON:** B. I don’t have a “script” or whatever, because I haven’t actually broken up with that many people, believe it or not, and I’m not “always hooking up with someone”. 

**THEON:** And last but not least, your girlfriend is fucking terrifying, and I’m not helping you break up with her.

**GENDRY:** Gods consistency is impossible for you, isn’t it?

 **GENDRY:** I’m SORRY that I offended you

 **GENDRY:** I just seriously thought you kept going out with girls you met on tindr

 **GENDRY:** Unless it’s just one girl?

**THEON:** Fuck off

 **THEON:** Why do you want to break up with Arya anyways?

 **THEON:** I wasn’t even sure if you guys were official or not.

**GENDRY:** We’re NOT

 **GENDRY:** I mean, I don’t think we are

**THEON:** Your relationship is insane

**GENDRY:** Yeah well, today I found out that Arya is a flat-earther

**THEON:** What

**GENDRY:** Yep

**THEON:** WHAT

**GENDRY:** Do you now see why I have to break up with her?

**THEON:** What the actual fuck

 **THEON:** Like really?

 **THEON:** Are you sure she’s not just doing it ironically? 

**GENDRY:** N-o-p-e. 

**GENDRY:** She goes to meetings and everything

**THEON:** Holy fuck

 **THEON:** Did you go with her?

**GENDRY:** Hell no. I’m not about to get roped into whatever cult she’s joined.

**THEON:** Wait, okay, so Arya Stark actually believes the world is flat?

 **THEON:** It’s not just one giant joke?

 **THEON:** I mean, isn’t basically everything a joke to her?

**GENDRY:** Theon.

 **GENDRY:** She’s planning a trip to “find what’s west of Westeros”.

 **GENDRY:** AS IF IT ISN’T ESSOS

**THEON:** Holy shit

 **THEON:** You need to break up with her

**GENDRY:** No shit

**THEON:** I can’t believe there are actually people like that

 **THEON:** How did she find others?

**GENDRY:** She joined some facebook group

 **GENDRY:** The Faceless Men or whatever

**THEON:** Idk which is more terrifying, the fact that she’s a part of a flat-earther group called “The Faceless Men” or that she still uses facebook.

* * *

 **SANSA:** So, Arya.

 **SANSA:** I hear you believe the world is flat?

 **SANSA:** I just want you to know that I respect you and your beliefs and your decisions. 

**SANSA:** But I have some concerns.

**ARYA:** lmao what?

 **ARYA:** did gendry text you?

**SANSA:** No

**ARYA:** chill, well i’m not a flat earther

 **ARYA:** i’m planning a surprise party for gendry

**SANSA:** WHAT

 **SANSA:** Why didn’t you tell me???

 **SANSA:** I want to help!!!

 **SANSA:** I thought Gendry hated surprises!

**ARYA:** because you would make it into something he actually likes, which defeats the entire purpose

**SANSA:** I’m lost. Please help me out here.

**ARYA:** this isn’t a nice thing. this is a punishment.

**SANSA:** Dare I ask, why?

**ARYA:** he’s been calling me his girlfriend.

 **ARYA:** also he told me he’s morally opposed to matching halloween costumes

**SANSA:** Oh well he’s got to go then, hasn’t he?

 **SANSA:** But um, the flat earth thing?

**ARYA:** lol i wanted to freak him out as much as possible

 **ARYA:** i keep loudly planning a trip “west” whenever he’s in earshot

**SANSA:** Oh please, as if you would travel anywhere that might put you on the path to Essos

**ARYA:** i lived there for like, three years

**SANSA:** Yes, but Grey lives in Essos

**ARYA:** oh fuck me, i forgot about that

 **ARYA:** speaking of fucking though

 **ARYA:** when did you and theon start doing it?

**SANSA:** What???

**ARYA:** sans. 

**ARYA:** you texted me about the flat earth thing, which means you heard it from gendry

 **ARYA:** he’s still freaking out, which means he didn’t contact you, because you would be rational and calm hi down

 **ARYA:** ergo, he texted one of the two people who would not set him straight, and probably proceed to freak him out more: theon or renly

 **ARYA:** now, since LORAS was the super gay tyrell-baratheon man you had a crush on for like a year, and not renly

 **ARYA:** i can only assume that gendry texted theon, who texted you freaking out

**SANSA:** Alright, yes Theon texted me, but that doesn’t mean we’re “doing it”!

**ARYA:** i saw you two days ago and you definitely had that “i’ve been fucked WELL” look, and lord of light knows harry never gave it to you

**SANSA:** ARYA!

**ARYA:** and then i happened to see theon that same day, and he ALSO looked like he convened with the drowned god or what the fuck ever his weird ass uncles go on about

**SANSA:** Really?

**ARYA:** also i swiped your phone when you were in the bathroom, and theon had texted about how much he wanted to see you, and i get the feeling he was talking about ALL of you.

**SANSA:** I hate you.

**ARYA:** look the important thing here is that i am the first to know about this.

**SANSA:** Well, you’re not, but I would REALLY APPRECIATE it if you could keep your mouth shut, just for a little bit longer while we feel things out.

**ARYA:** lmao, that’s what she said.

 **ARYA:** alright fine, i figured it was a long shot that i’d be in the know before bran.

 **ARYA:** i’m definitely second though, right?

**SANSA:** How angry are you going to be with me if I tell you you’re the third?

**ARYA:** who the fuck was the second person?

 **ARYA:** if you tell me it’s jon, i’m going to fling myself from the highest tower i can find.

**SANSA:** I’m pretty sure that’s the second floor sitting room at Mom and Dad’s, so I’m not terribly concerned.

 **SANSA:** But it was Rickon.

**ARYA:** FUCKING RICKON KNEW BEFORE I DID?

* * *

 **ARYA:** i am so throwing you a fucking surprise party

**THEON:** I have no idea what this means, and yet I feel vaguely threatened.

**ARYA:** good.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos are always appreciated


End file.
